I got caught in my web of lies.
Dana's only response was: I told you so.
HGG says it'll be okay. He tells me to trust him, he promises it'll be okay. The stress from everything else hangs over my head and I can't shake the way I'm supposed to. Not yet.
My arms itch too much.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Black Bottom Cupcakes
I fucking love nights like this. I lay down in my driveway and start watching Across the Universe on my laptop. The sky is cloudy and I can see the moon and it looks like paint.
I fight the urge to call the boys in Maverick, aka The Band to see if they can come over and we can lay in the grass. But it's passover and we have company.
I love intertwined fingers and the way ours go above my head when HGG's on top of me and we're making out on the couch or the floor and we're so fucking loud.
I don't want to be inside of my prison house.
My brother, in a brave act, leaves a note on his bedroom desk that reads, "Gone to movies. Don't worry an adult is driving. :)" My parents are livid and I text Adam saying that he's in deep shit. On the inside, I'm beaming cuz he stuck it to them, but his Great Escape foiled and he's going to be in so much trouble.
This takes the attention away from me and my English grade, but I think I might be in more trouble when Mr. Robb calls. I hope he makes it seem like I'm not a bad student, just overwhelmed and anxious and scared and unsupported.
HGG says I need to tell my parents that I don't feel supported by them.
I think he's right.
I fight the urge to call the boys in Maverick, aka The Band to see if they can come over and we can lay in the grass. But it's passover and we have company.
I love intertwined fingers and the way ours go above my head when HGG's on top of me and we're making out on the couch or the floor and we're so fucking loud.
I don't want to be inside of my prison house.
My brother, in a brave act, leaves a note on his bedroom desk that reads, "Gone to movies. Don't worry an adult is driving. :)" My parents are livid and I text Adam saying that he's in deep shit. On the inside, I'm beaming cuz he stuck it to them, but his Great Escape foiled and he's going to be in so much trouble.
This takes the attention away from me and my English grade, but I think I might be in more trouble when Mr. Robb calls. I hope he makes it seem like I'm not a bad student, just overwhelmed and anxious and scared and unsupported.
HGG says I need to tell my parents that I don't feel supported by them.
I think he's right.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Grass
I stand in line at Giant with a chocolate croissant and see Josh Miller. We chat for a few minutes, he looks me over, says I look good, have an awkward hug goodbye.
HGG calls me twice to tell me he's late and is on his way. My mother calls and instead of lying to her about my location, I tell her I'm at the park by myself. She gets mad, my dad gets mad, they demand I leave because I'm being dumb.
HGG and I lie in the grass and listen to each other's heart beats. He says he prefers the cloudless sky cuz it's all blue and I think it goes on forever, but the moon is there and it's starting to get cold. He holds me close against my car and I throw the glow in the dark guitar pick Pinto gave me at RHHStival '07 in the parking lot. I am letting go. I stopped caring a while ago, but it still hurts.
We talk with our eyes and to every smile I either smile back or ask, "what?" a lot. I don't want to be in my study typing about it, I want to be there.
When I walk in the door, Dana calls me in tears - Justin broke up with her. After our brief convo, and after I am almost crying myself because Dana just doesn't deserve this, my mother calls me into her study to chastise me for caring.
Ms. Doherty says she's banned apathy from Robb's classroom. I turn my homework in and write my research paper in front of the TV. I am a literary genius.
I feel something big is about to happen. Everything's changing and I can feel it. I haven't written Lizz a letter in over a month and Eric's cold lasts forever. It feels like I was fired from my internship - my last day is tomorrow and I am looking forward to it being over. My mother is most displeased.
I need to go to Target and get new clothes.
I stay up late with the phone in between the pillow and my ear and pretend I'm there or he's here. Preferably me there because I don't like it here in Alcatraz. It is starting to feel that way again.
He asks me what's wrong because I look so sad. We were talking about things - exes and how I've smoked pot and how he's been drunk - and I get deeper into a funk. I just need assurance and reassurance and no more stress from things I don't care about anymore.
I also need film.
HGG calls me twice to tell me he's late and is on his way. My mother calls and instead of lying to her about my location, I tell her I'm at the park by myself. She gets mad, my dad gets mad, they demand I leave because I'm being dumb.
HGG and I lie in the grass and listen to each other's heart beats. He says he prefers the cloudless sky cuz it's all blue and I think it goes on forever, but the moon is there and it's starting to get cold. He holds me close against my car and I throw the glow in the dark guitar pick Pinto gave me at RHHStival '07 in the parking lot. I am letting go. I stopped caring a while ago, but it still hurts.
We talk with our eyes and to every smile I either smile back or ask, "what?" a lot. I don't want to be in my study typing about it, I want to be there.
When I walk in the door, Dana calls me in tears - Justin broke up with her. After our brief convo, and after I am almost crying myself because Dana just doesn't deserve this, my mother calls me into her study to chastise me for caring.
Ms. Doherty says she's banned apathy from Robb's classroom. I turn my homework in and write my research paper in front of the TV. I am a literary genius.
I feel something big is about to happen. Everything's changing and I can feel it. I haven't written Lizz a letter in over a month and Eric's cold lasts forever. It feels like I was fired from my internship - my last day is tomorrow and I am looking forward to it being over. My mother is most displeased.
I need to go to Target and get new clothes.
I stay up late with the phone in between the pillow and my ear and pretend I'm there or he's here. Preferably me there because I don't like it here in Alcatraz. It is starting to feel that way again.
He asks me what's wrong because I look so sad. We were talking about things - exes and how I've smoked pot and how he's been drunk - and I get deeper into a funk. I just need assurance and reassurance and no more stress from things I don't care about anymore.
I also need film.
Friday, April 11, 2008
I fucked everything up a long time ago.
How do you bounce back from the past 17 years?
I fell asleep during English today.
The FilmFest is too fucking stressful.
How do you bounce back from the past 17 years?
I fell asleep during English today.
The FilmFest is too fucking stressful.
Monday, April 7, 2008
My Stupid Mouth.
I should just never be allowed to IM.
Ever.
The college situation sunk in today.
I feel like crying or sleeping and hiding.
I don't think I have any fight left.
I really need hug that lasts more than two seconds.
Ever.
The college situation sunk in today.
I feel like crying or sleeping and hiding.
I don't think I have any fight left.
I really need hug that lasts more than two seconds.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Chocolate Chips
It feels like my life is falling apart. It's like I was driving on this road and it just ended. Dead end. Gone. Bye. No Outlet.
I stay out Friday and Saturday nights and come home later than I'm supposed to. I stay up til 3am and don't regret it when I wake up at 1.30pm the next day.
I'm trying the whole "Stumbling on Happiness" thing. The be here now, be there later. That things will just happen if you let them and don't worry about them. I break apart a chocolate chip cookie in the cafe in Barnes and Noble and look towards the door every 30 seconds because he asked me if i trusted him and I said yes and he promised he'd be back before 11 (10.58).
We sit on a rock at the park by the parking lot and we're cold and he lets go and says, "okay, conversation time." We get on the dirt cuz a truck is doing rounds and from our height and my white shirt, we don't know if we're visible or not.
It's cold and we want to go back to the car and he comes up from behind and surprises me and I run my fingers up his spine and he jumps and we make it back to his car.
The fact that I don't know what's happening in August scares me more than anything. It feels too surreal right now. I can't comprehend it.
My dad apologizes to me. He thinks it's his fault, but I know it's somehow mine. Part of me is like, "This is my second chance." But I've already fucked up.
Not-So-Prom-Date throws "You should get a boyfriend" into our IM Conversation like it's as simple as getting shampoo. He says, "i just feel like you need someone to really care for you i guess. someone to make you happy you know"
My hands are always cold.
I stay out Friday and Saturday nights and come home later than I'm supposed to. I stay up til 3am and don't regret it when I wake up at 1.30pm the next day.
I'm trying the whole "Stumbling on Happiness" thing. The be here now, be there later. That things will just happen if you let them and don't worry about them. I break apart a chocolate chip cookie in the cafe in Barnes and Noble and look towards the door every 30 seconds because he asked me if i trusted him and I said yes and he promised he'd be back before 11 (10.58).
We sit on a rock at the park by the parking lot and we're cold and he lets go and says, "okay, conversation time." We get on the dirt cuz a truck is doing rounds and from our height and my white shirt, we don't know if we're visible or not.
It's cold and we want to go back to the car and he comes up from behind and surprises me and I run my fingers up his spine and he jumps and we make it back to his car.
The fact that I don't know what's happening in August scares me more than anything. It feels too surreal right now. I can't comprehend it.
My dad apologizes to me. He thinks it's his fault, but I know it's somehow mine. Part of me is like, "This is my second chance." But I've already fucked up.
Not-So-Prom-Date throws "You should get a boyfriend" into our IM Conversation like it's as simple as getting shampoo. He says, "i just feel like you need someone to really care for you i guess. someone to make you happy you know"
My hands are always cold.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My Senior Reflection
There is a reason "being pretentious in robb's class" is listed under my activities on my facebook profile.
I SHOULD HAVE GRADUATED EARLY
by Ashley Jacobs
There are other things I would rather do than take the time to write a reflection about what I have gained from my four years spent inside of River Hill. I would prefer to be finishing my book or studying for my midterm on Tuesday, but in order for the Class of ‘08 to graduate, we have to write about what we learned in high school and disguise it as some seemingly clever metaphor we actually found on the Internet.
What else can I say that hasn’t already been said?
As teenagers we think we have a grip on the whole world, but at the tender age of thirteen, we don’t – we know what we think is the world. We spend our adolescence stuffing ourselves into the mold we think is predetermined for us, and then, in some cases, trying to break out of it.
A few of my older friends (and Mr. Robb) laugh at me because even though I have the propensity to try, I can’t force experience on myself. I might not have a full grasp on the world, but I do know this: You can’t learn anything out of a book – you have to observe things yourself.
What promised to be a “well-rounded” education did not prepare me for what lies beyond these ugly colored walls. The only notable thing I gained during a high school class was from a one-on-one conversation with a substitute teacher for my Advanced Composition class junior year.
I never went to high school. I went to daycare.
This isn’t going into the book, but you probably wouldn’t let it go in, anyway. I come off as pretentious and immature. The truth is I don’t know what to say that’s positive about my high school experience because I’m in that state of mind where all I want to do is run in another direction and not look back. I’ve tried writing something that’s not bitter, and this is my fifth or sixth attempt at this. Even though I have been involved in school clubs, I feel like I haven’t gotten anything out of the activities I’ve participated in – not even drama. The thing is, I started off fighting for things I thought I should stand for, and then this image I had of myself evolved into some other person who hated themselves, who went away and came back freer and eventually became me post Skid ’07, whose fate hangs in limo. And it’s just so frustrating feeling the way I do because no one gets it except for those who also left and had to come back (but I can only count one, and she’s out of the country because she runs and starts over and I wish time would just stop so I could breathe. I don’t want to freeze this moment because there is nothing beautiful about it other than it existed).
Eric and I eat dark chocolate and flip through a copy of Spin I got at Safeway on Friday in the cafe on campus in between my classes.
In the darkroom, I make a scene, but the only person who seems to mind is me.
I stay up late and don't do anything productive.
I wish I had motivation. I wish I wasn't stressed. I wish I didn't take it out on Shane two nights ago on IM. I'm sick of not feeling anything. I'm sick of feeling gross. I wish there was something less cliche to say than "I don't want to get hurt." Do I want to get hurt? Do I want to not want to get hurt? I talk to Dana and pick her up some mornings, and we get breakfast from Giant or Bagle Bin, and I tell her not to eat her McBreakfast Burrito in my car. I talk to Lexie in Argentina. Turns out she knows my obvious secret.
I gave Ms. Doherty a paper I wrote in my Shakespeare class that connects Kant with As You Like It. She's impressed I even know who that is. I got an A on that paper. I read Beyond Good and Evil in a chair and scribble in between Nietzsche's words. I slug out my bible for my Bible As Lit class while Robb teaches everyone else about cinematography, but doesn't use the word. I walk in 15 minutes late becase I was doing filmfest stuff. I ask him what I missed and he tells me to grab notes from someone. I stare - I learned all of this and more winter semester. I got an A in that class, and I say this loudly before returning to flip through my notebook.
My Bible As Lit Midterm is tomorrow.
I'm so full of shit.
I SHOULD HAVE GRADUATED EARLY
by Ashley Jacobs
There are other things I would rather do than take the time to write a reflection about what I have gained from my four years spent inside of River Hill. I would prefer to be finishing my book or studying for my midterm on Tuesday, but in order for the Class of ‘08 to graduate, we have to write about what we learned in high school and disguise it as some seemingly clever metaphor we actually found on the Internet.
What else can I say that hasn’t already been said?
As teenagers we think we have a grip on the whole world, but at the tender age of thirteen, we don’t – we know what we think is the world. We spend our adolescence stuffing ourselves into the mold we think is predetermined for us, and then, in some cases, trying to break out of it.
A few of my older friends (and Mr. Robb) laugh at me because even though I have the propensity to try, I can’t force experience on myself. I might not have a full grasp on the world, but I do know this: You can’t learn anything out of a book – you have to observe things yourself.
What promised to be a “well-rounded” education did not prepare me for what lies beyond these ugly colored walls. The only notable thing I gained during a high school class was from a one-on-one conversation with a substitute teacher for my Advanced Composition class junior year.
I never went to high school. I went to daycare.
This isn’t going into the book, but you probably wouldn’t let it go in, anyway. I come off as pretentious and immature. The truth is I don’t know what to say that’s positive about my high school experience because I’m in that state of mind where all I want to do is run in another direction and not look back. I’ve tried writing something that’s not bitter, and this is my fifth or sixth attempt at this. Even though I have been involved in school clubs, I feel like I haven’t gotten anything out of the activities I’ve participated in – not even drama. The thing is, I started off fighting for things I thought I should stand for, and then this image I had of myself evolved into some other person who hated themselves, who went away and came back freer and eventually became me post Skid ’07, whose fate hangs in limo. And it’s just so frustrating feeling the way I do because no one gets it except for those who also left and had to come back (but I can only count one, and she’s out of the country because she runs and starts over and I wish time would just stop so I could breathe. I don’t want to freeze this moment because there is nothing beautiful about it other than it existed).
Eric and I eat dark chocolate and flip through a copy of Spin I got at Safeway on Friday in the cafe on campus in between my classes.
In the darkroom, I make a scene, but the only person who seems to mind is me.
I stay up late and don't do anything productive.
I wish I had motivation. I wish I wasn't stressed. I wish I didn't take it out on Shane two nights ago on IM. I'm sick of not feeling anything. I'm sick of feeling gross. I wish there was something less cliche to say than "I don't want to get hurt." Do I want to get hurt? Do I want to not want to get hurt? I talk to Dana and pick her up some mornings, and we get breakfast from Giant or Bagle Bin, and I tell her not to eat her McBreakfast Burrito in my car. I talk to Lexie in Argentina. Turns out she knows my obvious secret.
I gave Ms. Doherty a paper I wrote in my Shakespeare class that connects Kant with As You Like It. She's impressed I even know who that is. I got an A on that paper. I read Beyond Good and Evil in a chair and scribble in between Nietzsche's words. I slug out my bible for my Bible As Lit class while Robb teaches everyone else about cinematography, but doesn't use the word. I walk in 15 minutes late becase I was doing filmfest stuff. I ask him what I missed and he tells me to grab notes from someone. I stare - I learned all of this and more winter semester. I got an A in that class, and I say this loudly before returning to flip through my notebook.
My Bible As Lit Midterm is tomorrow.
I'm so full of shit.
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